i still can’t believe this is my 50th post. it seems like yesterday that quang was telling me about the rising popularity of these things called “blogs” and urged me to get one. i thought he was strange. thank goodness i listen to strange people because writing on this has become such an integral part of my life! it’s served multiple purposes: therapist, friend, procrastinator, educator. perhaps the relationship has become slightly unhealthy- i’ve become so dependent on it that 2 weeks without blank slate is like a diet devoid of sweets to me. that’s saying something.

alas, this is goodbye. this drama is real. travelynne.tumblr.com & travelynne.wordpress.com will be my new hot sites, replacing this one for the time being…but i’ll be back.

i’m nearing the tail end of the summer, which means i will be leaving the States for Singapore very soon! it hit me yesterday that i had exactly two weeks left in Gainesville, and now less than two weeks. i am more excited and scared than anything else. i can’t honestly say i’m sad to leave because the past month has been so horrible that i’m looking forward to escaping this atmosphere for a while. admittedly, the month of july has been tainted by sickness. 2 of the past 4 weeks i have been sick….but other than that, circumstances haven’t been too good either. i dread work at the radio and tv station, which makes me wonder if my childhood dream really was just that- a dream of a child’s that no longer holds relevance. it rains nonstop here which puts a damper on my mood. not to mention, i miss real friends….which i have, but too often don’t appreciate when they’re around.

in any case, i’m looking forward to the start of something new.

i’ve already said goodbye to facebook. (how long that will last i’m not sure…but i need to live without it for at least some time to maintain a sense of humanity in my relationships.)
i’m preparing to say goodbye to this apartment and my beloved loft as it switches occupants. this makes me nostalgic.
& soon, i say farewell to gainesville and the us. sadly, i won’t be looking back and waving.

fast forward 13 years and superficially, it seems like i am on my way toward fulfilling my childhood dream of reporting on the “front lines”. i wake up at the crack of dawn to produce news segments for minimal pay. i have real experience working with cameras and editing footage. i’ve gotten tv exposure hosting shows, i’ve scored internships, etc. so why should i care that the stories i report are meaningless to me? the ascent up the media ladder is painful, but the ultimate payoff is well worth the grind. eventually, i’ll get to cover stories i really care about, or so they say.

having stepped foot in the media bubble, i think i can fairly make a couple of observations about this commonly misunderstood industry.
first of all, working at a tv station is not near as glamorous as it appears on screen.
i can’t count the number of times i’ve mentioned to people that i work at a tv station and their impression of me is immediately elevated to that of a superstar anchor. far from it! and even if i were, being an anchor is not all fun and games. working in news can be extremely stressful- i can attest to it. you come up with a story at the start of the day (usually with very little background information) and have until 5:00 to create a nicely presented package that is easy for the public to understand. what this means is that you have to:
1. put in calls to the right people to set up interviews
2. hope they pick up on the first try or that they call you back soon…most of the time, you spend more time waiting for them to call you back than anything else. it’s frustrating when you’re working on a deadline.
3. drive over to the scene
4. conduct the interview
5. capture all the “right” visually appealing shots
6. drive back to the station
7. write the script
8. sort through all the footage and edit it to match the script
…all in less than 6 hours! there is no time to waste. to make matters harder, these days, with stations cutting budgets, reporters do the job of reporting and shooting video alone.

in many ways, it’s like being on a reality show- you’re assigned a task and your mission is to complete it within the time constraints. you’re given limited information and it’s up to you to unlock those “clues” with creativity and some detective work. it can be an adventure. the physically grueling part involves the hauling of the heavy camera equipment. it’s exciting and fun….to a certain point. but reality shows are unreal- they last for a season. this is a career. can i maintain the stamina for decades?

the shorter, the better.
probably my biggest qualm with the whole industry. in the process of whittling down a story to fit the 90 second time frame, so much potentially critical information is lost. that’s why i’d like to work for newsmagazines like 60 minutes with longer thorough investigative pieces, but at the rate tv news is going…i’m not even sure 60 minutes will exist in 20 years

we are bound by time
i don’t care what great equipment or technology you throw at me, if i don’t have enough time to read and understand the basic premise behind a good story, i won’t do the story justice. but in today’s increasingly rushed society that wants information NOW, we are increasingly sacrificing quality for the sake of modernity. i wonder how many blogs which are viewed as “news” actually verify their sources. people will believe anything they read online, but my journalism background has taught me to think twice before accepting everything as truth. i’d rather my information be slow but true, than instant but ridden with mistakes. unfortunately, it seems like the majority of people are content with false instant gratification news.

so the news media i fell in love with has drastically changed. these changes have made me reconsider whether i even want to continue pursuing a career in this field, for both personal and industry reasons. personally, i want to do work that is truly meaningful. while i initially planned on doing this through media, i’ve learned that in order to have a substantial impact, it takes years of covering local petty crime stories to work your way up the ladder to the national networks….if you’re lucky. it’s never guaranteed though. forgive me for sounding lazy, but i do not have the energy to continue working day in and day out for a goal that may or may not be fulfilled. and as i mentioned before, society has changed the industry. i don’t know if i’d be proud of calling myself a member of a group that often enters an interview with no idea what the associated story is about, simply because there is not enough time to do enough background research (believe it or not, i witnessed this several times at established tv stations).

maybe i’m just cynical because i’m sick and am tired of “news” following me everywhere i go. there’s too much information! quality over quantity. i just want to know what’s critical to our world and whatever that ends up being, let truth be told.

just when i thought life was getting simple…

before i descend into eeyore mode, i’m going to remind myself to BREATHE. i sometimes forget to. after reading a blog entry on zen habits about the underrated importance of breathing, i’ve been making it a priority. it sounds so silly- forgetting to inhale oxygen and enjoy the free air that is our life source- but it’s easy to do when there are so many other distractions. after all, we’ve got facebook twitter food phones texting starbucks p90x makeup gym class cars music- who’s got time for breathing anymore anyway?

i often find myself getting so wrapped up in earthly things that i forget about taking care of that which without, everything else would render useless: my body. i was brutally reminded of this last week when i was confined to bed, shivering & sweating simultaneously, and could do nothing more than lie sedentary and take up space. in my sickly state, i vowed to nurture my body back to health and not tire myself anymore to avoid being in another miserable situation like that again. now that i have recovered i’m tempted again to do more than i can handle.

the past two-three days have been a whirlwind of events indeed. everything from car problems to early morning radio shifts to uncooperative tv interviews to running around silly for meaningless stories to getting drenched in the rain with expensive camera equipment. at times, i’ve sincerely believed the world is working against me. but i’m trying to keep things in perspective. things could be much worse. plus, it’s a little vain of me to think i’m so important that the world would plot explicitly against me.

other thoughts in my swirling mind:

less than a month until i leave the US for…4 months! it’s both a scary and exciting thought. i don’t know what awaits me in singapore, but i know for sure that it won’t be chewing gum. it’s outlawed over there for reasons that are still unclear to me. my best guess is that they’re afraid the sticky substance will dirty their squeaky clean streets.

i cooked a meal all by myself for dinner club tonight, and received positive reviews! one major mistake though: i forgot to apply non-stick spray on the baking pan before making brownies, so i spent a half hour scraping remnants off the bottom of the pan afterward. it was actually quite therapeutic, though i’ve learned my lesson. tonight’s entrees included:

Silken Tofu w/Peas

Beef w/Eggplant and Onions

- i’m oddly missing my parents, after spending so much time with them 4th of july weekend.

the parents at a 4th gathering at my godmother's nursing home

this long day is finally winding down. i hope i can wrestle myself away from my thoughts and grant my body some much needed rest.

what is considered a slow afternoon in chicago

though i am paying the consequences now, i’m thankful i got to visit my sister emily in chicago and cousin tiger in east lansing, michigan. we kicked off the trip with an eventful train ride to battle creek, michigan. for some reason, we thought our train left at 3:30 instead of 3, and so we took our time. bad decision- ALWAYS remember to check your ticket for departure time. we had to pay over $50 to catch the next train at 6- lesson learned. we took the extra time to walk around the surrounding area of union station. it was a surprisingly slow afternoon in chicago, but when we headed back to the station come rush hour, chicago’s true city spirit came out. i got a high from watching the masses rush past me, business professionals walking with purpose to their final destination. i hope to one day be a part of that purposeful walk.

the train ride to michigan was my first train ride ever. it was anticlimactic and slow. in fact, we stopped several times to wait for incoming trains to pass by. in today’s technological, fast-paced world it’s strange to think that such slow, antiquated modes of transportation still exist. it was an experience though. when the attendant came and punched holes in our tickets, the scene was slightly reminiscent of the polar express.

we arrived in michigan late that night, and still had to drive an an hour and a half through the rustic backroads of michigan to arrive in east lansing. it was close to 1 am when we finally hit the bed…the next morning, tiger’s rooster call woke us up at the crack of dawn in preparation for a jam-packed day of driving and physical activity. by far, the highlight of the trip to michigan was our 8 mile biking tour on mackinaw island. not only was the clear blue water absolutely beautiful, the weather was comfortably breezy with a slight tinge of sun. the island was quaint and serene. so surreal that i couldn’t help but be surprised when we biked by houses, the public school and library; imagine living in a town where horse carriages and bikes are the primary methods of transportation and you wake up to this every morning.

imagine waking up to this

chicago is an interesting city because it is metropolitan, yet its location in the midwest makes it more friendly and courteous than a constantly on-the-go city like new york or la. most natives were willing to take pictures for me and em. we visited the usual tourist sights:magnificent mile, chicago museum of art, millennium park, water tower, & the bean (this landmark will forever symbolize chicago for me). we also watched broadway in chicago’s mary poppins; emily’s student starred as jane banks so we were able to get great seats for a spectacular performance. it had me humming “a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down…” all night long.

on my last day in the windy city, i visited the charter school emily teaches at (The Catherine Cook School) and strolled around her neighborhood of oldtown. i also had the pleasure of meeting up with my friend, carrie porter- we both worked on national spelling bee staff together and she now works at the wall street journal. i was ecstatic to have lunch with her and catch up a little, despite the shortness of time (she had to get back to work, i had to catch my flight). before heading out of the midwest for good, emily and i stopped by chinatown for a delicious meal at ken kee. it was rated 5 stars by all reviewers on yelp, so it had to be good. thankfully, the reviewers weren’t lying- the food was absolutely delicious, especially the fried tofu & chinese broccoli! i definitely recommend, if you ever travel to chicago’s chinatown.

and now here i am, nestled in bed at home…i’ve delayed my trip back to gainesville since i am no state to drive. my plan is to catch up on sleep today and get out early tomorrow morning to make it in time for my radio shift at 9 am. quite a whirlwind of events, but i wouldn’t have it any other way.

strangely enough, though, the position i’m nestled in is quite comfortable and i’ve got no desire to move. if i were in good health, i’d be restless and in my usual ADHD mode, unable to sit still. at least i still have the energy to sit up in bed and move my fingers in typing motion. having nothing else to do but lie in bed forces you to wrestle with your thoughts and i’ve been doing a lot of that. my past trip to chicago and what i want to achieve during my last month in the states for 2009 are hot topics in this delirious brain of mine.

other benefits from having zero energy:

- an excuse to be unproductive and lazy
- call me weird, but i rather like this achy feeling. it’s kind of like the day after a hard workout, when you wake up sore as heck, and every bone in your body is screaming with tightness. it’s a weary but satisfying feeling. (no need to mention that my body is being strengthened then, while now it is headed in the opposite direction. ignorance is bliss.)
- PEACE & QUIET
- sleep
- …i lose my appetite, which means i lose weight?

ok, i’m running out of reasons. optimism only goes so far. my head is starting to hurt and my eyes need rest. this was probably the most pointless post ever. what i failed to mention is how sickness gives you no purpose to life, and i have achieved absolutely nothing in what could have been a fruitful day. instead i am confined to bed. i will go barf now.

yesterday was my godmother’s 86th birthday. i’m not gonna lie: she looks every bit her age. mentally, she’s not quite with it and her memory is failing. our conversations revolve around one of three topics: her family immigration from italy to america, the lack of decency in kids these days, and a never-ending REPETITIVE question & answer session regarding where i go to school, what i am studying, and where i want to be in 10 years. it’s frustrating, to say the least. i sometimes think i too am heading down that path of mental degradation…just 65 years ahead of schedule!

old age both scares and fascinates me. even in my own parents, i am witnessing the ugly hand of old age unleash its relentless grip on what i consider to be two pretty resilient individuals. today i experienced contradictory feelings of both utter respect and pity for my dad. mind you, this is the father who can sustain a conversation on almost any academic topic and never fails to teach me invaluable life lessons on the importance of keeping an open mind and questioning everything. just today, we talked about the moral degradation of society and its origins in power & money. as we engaged in conversation, i thought to myself: “THIS IS WHY I LOVE MATURE OLDER PEOPLE- only with my dad, only with wise, level-headed people like him can i ever have an intelligent discussion like this!” a mere hour later, i found myself on the opposite end of the emotional spectrum as i massaged his stiff neck and shoulders in an attempt to rid all his knots. so deeply wretched they were that they couldn’t be untangled. later, i asked him to do some simple stretches (place two hands across his back in an interlocking position) and he couldn’t do it. dad is extremely inflexible and suffers from back, neck & shoulder pain. it was painful for him to raise his arms straight up. i could only cringe and ask him to go to a chiropractor. while i can talk deep with him, what’s the use if his bodily movements can’t stretch further than an arm’s length and are inflicted with aches & pains?

wisdom is admirable, but it is nothing without a functional mind, body, and spirit. i’m making it a personal goal to keep myself on a healthy track. mom is my role model in this realm. to this day, she is infused with boundless energy. you can bet that every speck of dirt in this house will be swept, every plant watered, (and for mental health) every mah-johng opportunity explored. she is quick and efficient and incredibly fit. she does not have the reflective and contemplative qualities of my father, but her energy more than makes up for it. what would you rather have: energy or wisdom? they don’t have to be mutually exclusive. it’s all about balance.

being surrounded by old folks is a reminder of the fleeting nature of life. my godmother is probably on the last leg of it. but her stories, my father’s wisdom, my mother’s energy- these are all parts of them i can learn from and incorporate into my own life. this is the great thing about being young. if we are wise enough to learn from the giants who stand before us, we can reap the benefits of learning from their mistakes and experiences for the rest of our aging life. it doesn’t have to be downhill from here, for the best is yet to come…in our octo & nonogenarian years.

to my peers, i ask that we not brush off the elderly as weak old fogies with nothing left to contribute. they hold a wealth of information waiting to be tapped into. they are, in fact, our greatest resource.

it stemmed from the realization that as humans, we have an incessant need to share certain aspects of our lives with others. lately i’ve noticed a paradigm shift in how we perceive/categorize our thoughts. as i go about my daily life, i think of major events and feelings as facebook or twitter statuses. when i notice something interesting, i instinctively want to share. my life is comprised of public statuses, many of which i’ll admit no one cares about (including myself). but when a truly interesting observation does arise, i usually do share with the hope that it evokes a similar sentiment among friends, family, followers etc. such is the social world we live in today. we like to publish aspects of our lives, emotions, and thoughts. most of the time, however, only about .05% of it is worth mentioning. what if there were some way to capture that small slice of compelling content? we would still fulfill our distraction quota for the day, but wouldn’t have to waste precious brain space with the useless clutter. let’s face it: we’re never going to stop wasting time. it’s such an integral part of our culture now, there’s no point in eliminating it. why don’t we embrace that fact and waste our time with only the best of material? our minds may even thank us for it.

just some food for thought at 5 am..

[there's something extremely satisfying about the sound of typing: click clack, the light touch of fingers on a keypad that bounce quickly up and down to transmit a message onto a public platform for all to see. it feels strangely productive, even if the message i'm transmitting makes no sense. the mere production of sound is enough to deceive my brain into believing it is accomplishing something.]

[i'm reading an interesting article on our consumer-oriented culture. it used to be that we bought things based on need, but that is quickly being replaced by desire/wishes. the ‘need’ which sets us in motion is now the need to keep the tension alive. the pleasure lies in the hunt, not so much in the catching of prey.

we are constantly looking for distractions. this itself is a distraction. you reading this is a distraction. you probably should be studying or working or doing something more productive. but, like it or not, distraction is our way of life now. i don't think i'm alone when i say that i can't sit down and focus on one thing without engaging in several other distractions simultaneously. during the time it took to write the past three sentences, i checked my email facebook & twitter, found the perfect pitbull song to bob my head to (attracting odd glances from fellow starbucks customers), and read a paragraph from an article on "the myth of global ethnic conflict"(this being my supposed "primary" task). in any other decade, i would diagnose myself with adhd. but in this age, everyone has adhd. we are constantly seeking something else to indulge our desires, something to escape our current situation. it sounds sad, but i'll boldly admit it: to humans, there is nothing that can bring satisfaction and esteem for long. life has become more about keeping the desire alive, rather than its actual satisfaction. consumption is an unending process because once the initial need is met, a new product is developed to feed our insatiable desire for more. and so the cycle continues...will we ever be satisfied?]

[speaking of this never-ending desire for more, caffeine only heightens this craving. today is the first day i've had more than a couple sips of coffee, and boy, am i feeling it. until now, i've prided myself on my willpower to abstain from the west's most widespread drug. i've refused to join the caffeinated zombies that comprise 97% of the college student population; but alas, my initiation is underway. i'm not sure if i agree with testimonies that coffee increases alertness and efficiency. i am certainly more awake than ever, but the increased energy is displaced on so many things that i doubt i am any more productive. i've been stuck on the same paragraph in my reading for the past 20 minutes because i've been typing away on this distraction and logging in and out of facebook, twitter, & gmail. my mind is going full force, but in all directions. i imagine it as a little rat on steroids. call him pablo. pablo is racing through a maze, but the maze keeps changing directions so poor pablo must frantically switch gears while his legs foolishly continue racing in all directions. ultimately, pablo doesn't get out of the maze any quicker because he gets lost in the many twists and turns. in the midst of all this chaotic confusion, however, pablo still manages to bust out with a little happy dance, hoot and holler. and all in all, he is high on life. upon finally finding his way out of the maze, the brain circuits begin losing their zap and pablo crashes to the ground, depleted of all energy to do anything else.

such is the tale of my first starbucks experience. i have joined the dark side.

closing time approaches. for the first time in my life, i will be kicked out.

i’ve always known that i struggle with balance. even when i did gymnastics, the balance beam was my certain downfall. no matter how hard i try, i can’t walk straight. (this will prove a problem if i ever get pulled over for drunk driving…”but officer, i can’t walk straight even when i’m sober!”) blame it on my horrible vision. though i’m not one for superstition, according to numerology, the number 2 represents balance and it appears again and again in my life quite ominously. this must mean that I am in constant pursuit of this elusive balance.

i partook in yoga today, a P90X version. it was here that my lack of balance once again became all the more noticeable. i resembled a heavy clown while attempting the upward dog, warrior, and other yoga positions my overworked brain can’t remember. slowly breathing in and out takes a lot more concentration and strength than we give it credit. nonetheless, i enjoyed it and felt lighter and more refreshed after the workout.

all this talk about restoring balance makes me wonder if this is a futile goal. clearing the mind of all useless junk is not something my mind is accustomed to. i think, and think, and think…and then to suddenly let go, poof! no thoughts! an empty mind! it will take more than a couple yoga sessions for my mind to reach this state.

what else is going on in my imbalanced life? well, currently it’s pretty communication heavy. i recorded my first hosting spot today for “close to home”. it’s a small show but something nonetheless. reading my voice-overs in the recording room was cool. i was like an actor voicing my role as a cartoon character, standing next to the microphone with my headphones in a room with black absorbent foam. my on-camera recordings went alright, but i’m still waiting to see how out of place i look. me- anchoring a southern, martha stewart-like show? who would have ever guessed?

but don’t underestimate domesticity. i’ve joined a dinner club in an effort to broaden my skills in the kitchen. i’m cooking tomorrow for 6 other girls. this could either be a surprise hit, or a disaster waiting to happen. on the menu is salmon, broccoli with chicken, and (potentially) some mashed potatoes.

judging from the response to my last post, not many people actually read this blog. there is clearly a difference between “clicks” and “reads”. or perhaps people just don’t care to cater to a simple request of commenting. whatever the case, i don’t care. i’ve come to the conclusion that i enjoy writing more for myself than to the public. true, i am writing on a public forum for all the world to read. but i can’t honestly expect to offer pearls of wisdom or deep insights at this age. that will hopefully come in time. all i can do now is be myself, recount the events that mold my perception, and watch my development take form. that journey, in and of itself, is enough.

“And we’ll keep working on the problem we know we’ll never solve
of Love’s uneven remainders; our lives are fractions of a whole.
But if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall,
then I think we would see the beauty.
Then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges,
like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.”